Can Politics and Dating Co-Exist?

Would you date someone with opposing political beliefs? 

One of the most common refrains I hear about dating apps is that it’s nearly impossible to glean anything about who a person truly is from their profile alone. As a coping mechanism, most of my single girlfriends have developed their own personal filters that they believe serve as proxies for determining if a man is a potential match for them based on the info on their profile alone. 

Their chosen filters run the gamut, but here are a few that pop up with some regularity: 

• No job or school listed (reason: they may not be proud of their work, perhaps don’t have a stable job, or aren’t professionally motivated) 

• No text or prompts / only photos (reason: low effort that likely translates into dating) 

• Only group photos (reason: I don’t know which one of these guys you are) 

• Gym selfies (reason: indicates vanity and/or gym bro mentality) 

• Profile is entirely negative e.g. “no x type of women” or “if you’re x swipe left” (reason: appears close-minded or judgmental) 

Honestly, I could do a massive list of all of the ways women I know have tried to twist a single attribute to mean something complex about a human being they have never (and likely will never) meet. And you can scoff all you want, but it’s hard to turn a two-dimensional profile into some impression of a three-dimensional person. So I understand why these “rules” can feel necessary or even comforting. 

But lately, I’ve noticed one single attribute dominating the conversation like never before: politics. 

Every single woman I know who is actively dating (truly, I mean 100%) says that under no circumstances would they go out with someone who has opposing political beliefs to their own. But what does “opposing political beliefs” really mean? Is this yet another symptom of our increasingly polarized society? Or is this something that has always been true? 

To dig into this question, I turned to a tried and true source: Sex and the City. I remembered there being a political storyline, but I wasn’t quite clear on the details. So on behalf of all of you (you’re welcome for this sacrifice), I went back and rewatched the episodes...who remembers politician Bill Kelley? 

While it turns out that the drama surrounding Carrie dating the politician is actually more about their sex life than politics (shocking, I know), I still found that the episodes offered an interesting glimpse into how politics impacted dating — or at least a dramatized version of dating — at the time. 

At one of their ubiquitous girl brunches, the four women get into a semi-comedic debate about their own voting records (Carrie isn’t even registered), who they vote for (Charlotte: whoever reminds her of her father), and what qualities are most important in a political candidate (Samantha: a man who is f*ckable, so he isn’t tempted to f*ck the country). 

Miranda is, unsurprisingly, the one who suggests that perhaps candidates should be evaluated based on more than their looks. She doesn’t go so far as to suggest they seek out anyone’s actual policy positions, but you get the point. And while this conversation is of course meant to be entertaining, I actually found it quite enlightening. Because when you take a step back, what each of these characters is saying is that their political views are a reflection of their own personal values and priorities. 

And that’s exactly what my single girlfriends are saying now too. So why does it feel different? 

Let’s take Carrie. She isn’t registered to vote. Her friends playfully mock her for this, but they don’t make broad or aggressive judgments about her character as a result of it. I happen to have met a few people who chose not to vote in the last presidential election, and the only reason I know this is because they told me in confidence. Meaning, they made it clear that they were trusting me with a secret, because they did not feel comfortable disclosing this information to their friends more broadly. 

And honestly? My reaction to this information was not positive. In today’s day and age, choosing not to vote feels like a pretty dramatic statement. Even if it’s only one you’re making to yourself (that has the potential to impact the entire country). I have a feeling that if this same conversation happened between the four women today, they might not have gone so easy on Carrie. 

Because the truth is that times have changed. Political consciousness has changed. Social media has changed our level of awareness of the world around us. And like it or not, society does feel more divided right now. And it’s being reflected in our dating experiences. 

There’s a woman on TikTok who is publicly ruminating about the possibility of building a dating app solely based on matching with people who share your political affiliation. Dating apps unsurprisingly have a filter for politics. Many go so far as to call out this dealbreaker on their profiles more obviously, like this guy, whose primary profile picture I've cleverly disguised to protect his identity while still illustrating my point:

Or the following bio by a man who labels himself Conservative:

How about these two? Both of these men have their profiles labeled as "Moderate"...

Moderate Man #1’s bio:

Moderate Man #2’s bio:

Finally, here's the succinct bio from one man who identifies as "Apolitical"...

In many ways we should thank the above men for being so overt in their viewpoints. But for those who simply choose a label on a multiple choice list the same way they select their drinking preferences, are things quite so clear? Would Carrie or Miranda have filtered potential dates through such a black and white lens? I’m inclined to think not. And not simply because they didn’t have the ability, since dating apps hadn’t been invented yet (sorry if they come up in the new series, I’ll admit I haven’t watched it). Charlotte probably would have considered using the filter differently, perhaps viewing political views as a proxy for something else (e.g. wealth): 

And we all know that Samantha wasn’t looking for anything serious anyway (let’s hope she would have made that clear on her own dating profile), so she certainly wouldn’t have filtered by political leanings. So are we being too harsh, or does the current climate rightfully call for a clear-cut dealbreaker here? 

I’ve written before about how politics (rightfully, imo) is a reflection of a person’s individual values and priorities. But also that at the same time having different priorities doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone who voted differently than you is automatically your mortal enemy. But dating is different. If you’re looking for your forever partner, aren’t those underlying morals and values a critical part of the fabric of basic compatibility? 

If this is the case, then perhaps my girlfriends who are filtering solely based on politics are onto something. Maybe they’ve finally found the single attribute that actually does represent someone’s political values…or maybe not…

Allow me to pose a few follow up questions. Would you consider dating someone who: 

• Didn’t vote at all? 

• Voted for your candidate in the previous election(s) but wrote in a third party candidate the last time around? 

• Voted for your candidate, but reluctantly or with feelings of resentment? 

You may have answered each of these questions with a super easy yes or no (if so, congrats!). But if you didn’t, maybe it made you think about how a single word might not actually be enough to encompass all of someone’s values and priorities. If someone doesn’t include a political affiliation on their dating app profile, does it automatically mean that they are a die-hard MAGA supporter, as this comment section suggests? 

Look, I get it. We’re all exhausted. In fact, as you’re likely aware if you’re here in the first place, I’m a member of that exhausted majority who cares deeply about the state of our country, but also has no desire to spend all of her time online stoking the flames of rage that seem so ever present these days. So I’m not going to sit here and tell you not to use politics as a black and white filter on your dating apps if that’s what feels right to you. I’m just going to remind everyone that very little is black and white — especially now, in this time where everyone seems to wish so fervently that life was that simple.